Have you ever stopped in the middle of doing the 5784th thing for the week and thought "I want off the ride now!" I mean, it's not like you don't want back on, it's just a nice break to sit on the bench and have a shaved ice or an $8.00 Pepsi. Then back to the nausea inducing pace, for sure. Because that bench gets boring, and it's hot just sitting there without the whooshing wind just blowing your hair back on that exciting ride. But when the ride gets scary, overwhelming, and stressful; I know I want a break. You probably would too.
Right now, I'm kind of there. I want to sit down and leisurely have a cool refreshing break. Much like any ride that's already started, there's no way off until it's over. So I am just going to throw my hands up and scream, which should be interesting if you see me around town, just wave. There is a lot going on right now and the most anxiety inducing of all of them is a cardiology appointment for Squish. He had a flow murmur and the doctor wants to see if it's closed on it's own. If it hasn't there could be a heart surgery on the table. For the sake of my sanity and the feelings of everyone I know, let's hope this isn't the case. For that would be like that ride going off the tracks and plummeting straight into Hell for me.
Yes, I am aware that this surgery is common. Yes, Squish is a freakin' rock star. I know it would be temporary recovery. Amid all the rational thought and reason there is this... I'm scared. I don't want my sweet baby boy to have another surgery. I don't know if I could handle handing my son over to yet another anesthesiologist as I kiss him goodbye and tremble with worry over the million things that could possibly go wrong. Watching him wake up, swollen and groggy, is no picnic either. But these things are nothing compared to him howling in pain when he's awake and whimpering pitifully in his sleep. He hasn't slept well since his shunt revision. He fights falling asleep and wakes up more during the night. Is it related? Probably not. Does it make me wonder if he's afraid of what will happen to him if he falls asleep? Sometimes.
In the end, it will work out. This ride... life... will hit the bumps and smooth straight paths, and in the middle of the loop da loops somewhere you can close your eyes for a second and know that when it does end, you'll want to go again. It's getting to the top of the hill, that clank, clank, clank of being pulled up, that gives you long enough to worry.
I love you. I can't imagine all the things you have gone though. And yet you are still standing and still smiling. You've already been through hell and you've survived. It's not easy let me know if there is anything I can do. I miss and love you. The ride does get scarry, stressful, painful but the peaks wouldn't be as exciting if the valleys weren't as deep.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Leila